


Touch Me, Touch Me

by knightinbrightfeathers



Series: Penny and Agatha's guide to kicking teenhood in the butt [2]
Category: Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow series - Gemma T. Leslie
Genre: F/F, Physical Contact Issues, Trust Issues, body issues, sex issues, so many issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 01:07:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3630957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinbrightfeathers/pseuds/knightinbrightfeathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Both Agatha and Penelope have problems with physical contact. Neither girl wants to talk about it. This would probably surprise their friends if they knew, because no one else can get them to shut it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch Me, Touch Me

Penelope had always known that Agatha was, well, a bit strange. True, that could be said about anyone in their little not-group of not-exactly-friends, but this specific thing, to Penelope, exceeded even Simon’s savior-of-the-universe moments and Baz’s occasional trips to the forest for snacksies. It exceeded them in that she didn’t know how to deal with it, and in being human and normal.   
Not that normality in Agatha surprised Penelope- they were too close for the completely mainstream pop on Agatha’s iPod to go unnoticed, or for Penelope not to get exposed to her horrendous fondness for skinny jeans (not that they didn’t look good, but it really was a sickness.)  
No, this wasn’t just another slightly awkward discovery, like the time she had found porn under Agatha’s bed (there really were better places to hide it). This was enormously uncomfortable, not to mention forboding.  
Agatha was gropy.  
They’d been together, or, as Penelope’s roommate Clara put it, together together, for a week, and things were going fine. Things were the same, except for the new topic of conversation, which usually meant that talks about the future and their worries usually ended with them both whispering and looking into each other’s eyes for long periods of time. And there was the kissing, which Penelope was extremely happy with, thank you very much, and the hand-holding, which was adorable, because Agatha regarded it as something sacred.  
They hadn’t told anyone yet, which wasn’t as big of a deal as it might have been, seeing as mostly their circles didn’t overlap too much, and Simon and Baz had their heads up in each other’s arses as usual. People were used to seeing Agatha and Penelope together, sitting at library tables or arguing on the edge of the forest. If they spent a little more time together, well, they were probably busy with the same thing that had the Mage’s Heir and the Pitch boy sneaking out at odd hours.  
So it was that their big reveal to Baz and Simon was by way of Agatha’s gropiness.  
— - —  
"So, you’re sure that it’s an oak? And not, say, a pine tree or something?" Simon asked, looking over the carefully drawn map Penelope had handed him. It would probably get rumpled and torn and waterstained and bloodstained, and all of the hard work would go to waste. Penelope wouldn’t have minded, if it hadn’t been Agatha’s hard work. As it was, she had to hold herself back from snatching the map from him and laminating it.  
"Please, Simon, I know the difference between a pine and an oak. And I always do my research properly, even if it means spending hours in the dusty stacks reading Latin. Someone should computerize the library already.”  
"Old Mrs. Doily will never agree to that. She likes the dust," Baz said from his desk. They were all four in the boys’ room, and Baz had chosen to sit as far away as possible from Simon, who was sitting on his own bed, without climbing onto the window sill. Agatha and Penelope were seated on Baz’s bed, which smelled vaguely of mint and soap. The whole room smelt of mint, actually, and chocolate. There were candy wrappers overflowing from the little wastebasket on Baz’s side of the room. Penelope’s stomach grumbled; she’d skipped lunch to do her schoolwork, which was suffering from being overshadowed by saving the world.  
"For the last time, Baz, it’s Mrs. Doyle. I know you can read."  
"Doily. She wears enough lace for it." Baz leaned back and rocked his chair. "Cmon, Pen, give me this one. Just one little teacher nickname, pleeeeaase?"  
"Librarian, and no."  
Agatha, who’d been watching the exchange, and Penelope’s face, with a mixture of fondness and amusement, jumped in. “So when are we going to check out that tree?”  
"Tonight," Simon said, folding the map. Penelope winced.  
"Oh, great idea, Snow. Jump in with no plan. Brilliant." Baz swung his chair forward and the front legs hit the floor with a bang. "Do you want to get killed? If I’d known you had a death wish, I would have volunteered for fairy godmother."  
"I- I- I don’t have a death wish! And you’d look stupid as a fairy godmother, so there!" Simon had got up from his bed and taken a not-very-threatening step towards Baz, who was leering.  
"Oooh, I’m wounded. Great comeback, hero. If only your skills at spellcasting were as good- oh, wait, you can’t cast spells, can you? Hey, what’re you going to do, stab that oak to death?"  
"Enough, boys." Agatha’s tone was smooth and commanding. "Break it up. You’d made such good progress, remember? Let’s not regress to our old habits." She gave them both a look that made Simon sit back down and Baz drop his sneer. "Now, tonight really is a bad idea-" This got a squawk from Simon, which Agatha ignored. Penelope smiled. Agatha speaking her mind was always welcome in her opinion, but the boys had gotten used to being pandered to. Oh well, the change was probably healthy for them. "-not because we should work out some kind of plan." This got an indignant huff from Baz. "There is no plan to be made for this. We go, perform the spell, lock the door behind us and check the seventh oak in the morning for new leaves. It’s a bad idea because there’s a huge exam first thing in the morning, and Penelope won’t come with us if it means risking that grade for something we can put off for a day."  
"Penny never comes with us unless she thinks it’s not safe," Simon said, just as Penelope said, "It’s all right, Agatha."  
"I don’t care, Penelope. You’re coming."  
"I can’t. Someone has to stay behind, as backup and to cover for the others. Besides, I’m part gandry-born, and the oak is from the witch-burning era. It won’t let me close to it without turning me into a tree."  
"Fine," Agatha said, as if she was loath to acquiesce to the fear-spurred decisions of a mage from centuries ago. "Leave me alone with those two and their UST disaster."  
"What’s UST? And you’re not coming." Baz folded his arms. "It’s bad enough if we sneak out, nobody seems to notice-"  
"They all think you go scr-" Agatha’s next words were stopped by Penelope’s hand clamping over her mouth. A few moments later, Penelope whipped her hand away, flushing, while Agatha displayed a smug expression.  
"Please, Baz, continue," Penelope gritted out, wiping her hand surreptitiously on Agatha’s skirt.  
Baz gave them a quizzical look, but continued. “If Agatha sneaks out, half the school will notice.”  
"Rubbish, I can do a perfectly good invisibility spell, and Gemma will cover for me if anyone pops into my room. Maleskyne knows she’s done it enough times."  
"You’re not coming."  
"Try and stop me."  
"It’s too dangerous," Simon said.  
"I’ve gone on these things with you before-"  
"This is different! We’re trying to undo damage the Humdrum inflicted. It’s not the same as hunting goblins!"  
"I’m not someone you have to protect, Simon Oliver Snow!" Agatha clenched her fists in her lap. "I’m not your sister and I’m not your girlfriend!"  
"But you’re my friend, and I don’t want you to get hurt! And neither does Baz!"  
"You’ll just get in the way, Agatha," Baz interjected.  
Agatha glowered at them both, but said nothing.  
The boys ended up going alone. Agatha spent the next few days glowering at them, and Penelope spent the next few days washing her hand a lot.  
— - —  
The next time, Baz couldn’t go either. The oak had let them almost finish the spell before it realized Baz was a vampire and nearly tore his head off. Simon still wouldn’t let Agatha go with him, and Baz agreed.  
Agatha tried everything. Penelope watched in admiration as her girlfriend accused Simon of sexism and stupidity and narcissism in one breath, tried blackmail and threats and moved on to bribery. When nothing worked, she turned and buried her head in Penelope’s stomach. “Penelopeeeee, they won’t let me goooo.”  
"Um," Penelope said, a bit breathless because she’d just been headbutted in the gut and also because this was a lot of contact.  
"Tell them they have to take me," Agatha moaned. Simon and Baz were looking at them funny.  
"Um." Penelope’s mind was running around in little circles and she couldn’t talk, and she was panicking, and the grin on Baz’s face was really obnoxious. "Agatha. Please stop."  
"Yeah, stop molesting our Penelope," Baz said.  
"Back off, Pitch, she’s mine," Agatha said, and it really was a wonder that anyone could make anything out because her words were all muffled by Penelope’s stomach, which was in turmoil.  
"When you say mine," Simon said slowly. "And also when you say molesting."  
"We kissed," came Agatha’s reply. "A lot."  
"Crowley," Simon said faintly. "Congratulations."  
"Agatha," Penelope said, finally catching her breath, "move your face or I will hex it into oblivion."  
"You wouldn’t hex me," Agatha said, but she pulled away. "So can I go with you two?"  
"Only if you tell us everything," Baz said, and Simon flushed crimson.  
"Baz, it’s not our business!"  
"Sure, I could give you a few tips on same-sex relationships," Agatha said cheerfully, and Baz choked.  
Penelope shook her head to clear it. “Could we please get back to saving the world?”  
— - —  
"Agatha, I’m trying to study here."  
"No you’re not, or you never would have come to my room." Agatha was lying down with half her body dangling off the bed. In Penelope’s experience, this pose was extremely uncomfortable, but since Agatha kept returning to it, she was probably fine. "You would have gone to the library or to your lake rock."  
"I happen to enjoy your company, Agatha."  
"Thanks, I like me too. I’m so wonderful and such a joy to be around." Agatha pulled herself up and gave Penelope a huge grin, which Penelope pointedly did not return.  
"You’re a pain in the ass, that’s what you are." Agatha crawled up to the headboard, where Penelope was sitting. "Get away from me, you creature. You’re not distracting me from my notes."  
"You’re pretend studying. You studied those notes today already. I know your system, Penelope, you’re not going to fool me." Agatha flopped, belly down, onto the bed, with her head resting in Penelope’s lap. "You came here because you wanted attention and kisses."  
"I’m beginning to think that telling you to be forthright was a terrible idea. I’ve created a monster that bluntly tells me that I want to make out." Penelope didn’t put her notes down, but she did reach out a hand to push Agatha’s head away. "You’re so needy."  
"I’m not needy, you’re needy. And in denial about it. I’m just happy to see you."  
"Is that why you’re breathing on the inside of my thigh?"  
"You shouldn’t sit cross-legged on my bed if you don’t want me to react to the sight of your panties." Agatha huffed out a wet breath for emphasis, and Penelope smacked her on the head.  
"Ugh. You can’t see my panties."  
"I know, it’s terrible. Look at us, wasting precious evil-fighting-free time with no one else around and my roommate out for a football game at a different school for the day, studying."  
"Who’s studying?" Penelope looked down at her notes. "Oh, right, I was. Never mind."  
"Penelope. Please. I have a sex drive and a cute girlfriend. I’m a teenager. This is painful."  
"I guess you’ll have to find someone else to cater to your needs." Penelope clutched her notes tightly. "And stop digging your face into my thighs."  
"Penelopeeee-"  
"No, stop, really. Stop, Agatha. I’m not doing this. I can’t-" Penelope threw her notes to the floor and pushed Agatha off her with both hands. "You’re always going on about this, but I can’t, okay? I’m not," Penelope forced the words out, "having sex with you. I came for your company, not for this." She got off the bed and swept up her notes.  
"I don’t expect you to, Penelope-"  
"Then stop with the touching! Just- haven’t you ever heard of personal space?" Penelope looked around for her shoes and stuffed them on. She knew that she should stay and talk this through, that it would be better to just talk to Agatha, tell her, but the expression on her girlfriend’s face- the pain, the mask not sliding into place as it so often did- she just couldn’t.  
— - —  
There is a stereotype that nerds are virgins. This is frequently true, because the term ‘nerd’ often refers to people with not very good social skills, an interest that does not take them out of the house much, and sometimes bad personal hygiene.  
However, some nerds are clean and quite outgoing. Some of them have even had sex, for example, Penelope Bunce, who had very good social skills and a mother who dragged her to places where she made lovely new friends (and bullied half of them into submission when they sucked up to her because of her mother’s important job, or teased her about her hair and girth).  
She also knew at the age of twelve that she liked girls, and came out to her mother a year later. Her coming out speech was beautifully worded and recited exactly as it had been written down in her journal.  
Tamara Bunce was an educated woman who prided herself on an open mind. However, her mind had been open twenty years ago, and was now a little behind the times. Penelope’s coming out was met with support and acceptance, which is a wonderful thing. Sadly, her mother also saw fit to lecture her on the dangers of Sex (Penelope often felt that her mother spoke with her in capital letters). Penelope listened carefully to the monologue, said “yes, mother,” and decided to ignore everything but the bits about safety and protection (which she already knew. The books were on the top shelf of the library, but that was what chairs were for.)  
When you’re smart and discreet, you can have quite a lot of sex without your mother, who is safely at home, far away from you school, or your summer camp, or Laura Creevy’s house, finding out.  
You can also be extremely rational about it, and not blame yourself for Kate deciding she was straight again, or Jessie going back to America after camp ended and not leaving a phone number or email address or anything, or Laura Creevy being a bitch and cheating on you. Penelope was far too rational a girl to blame herself. At least consciously.  
Children so often adopt their parents’ ideas while trying to do the opposite. Penelope’s experiences might have been avoided if she hadn’t been quite so discreet, but who of us has not wished to avoid a parent’s wrath over something that seemed to us very natural and right? Penelope, eager to avoid a long talk and care packages that included preventatives, chose girls who all, for one reason or another, wanted neither to publicize the relationship nor to extend it. As it was, Penelope began to agree with her mother- sex was Bad and led only to trouble.  
— - —  
Penelope was most definitely not avoiding Agatha. No, not at all. So when Agatha knocked on her door and bribed Clara with candy and the promise of getting her into the Dueling club (the acceptance of the bribe was a horrible betrayal of trust and Clara would pay for it), she didn’t turn away. No, really. She didn’t.  
"Penelope, I’m already tired of going after you when you run away from things, and it’s only been a month that we’re together." Agatha eyed Penelope’s bed and drew up both the chairs from the desks. "Sit. I’ve waited a day for you to talk to me, and you haven’t. So we’re going to talk about this, which is what you would usually say, only for some reason you’re acting funny. Sit." Penelope sat, and so did Agatha.  
"Now, tell me why you’re acting funny."  
"I can’t," Penelope said quietly.  
"Then I’ll do it. Okay?" Agatha waited for Penelope’s nod and continued. "You’re wary of sex. Afraid of it? Or it might be physical contact, to some point." Agatha paused. "Penny, did anyone ever-"  
"Hurt me? No."  
"Then… come on, Penelope, I can’t guess. Did you have really bad sex or something?"  
Penelope laughed shakily. “Something like that.”  
— - —  
Agatha was quiet for a long time after Penelope stopped talking. It was a lot to take in, as Penelope had gone into tangents, cried a bit, and confessed a fear which she felt-knew- was irrational. But how do you stop being afraid?  
Agatha, however, looked as if she understood. “I was taught to use physical contact as a tool. That’s what Mama always said: ‘touch is a tool’. If you hug someone in a certain way, if you wrap an arm around their shoulders… I can’t not ascribe meaning to almost every way of holding someone I know. So I use the ones that don’t hold any special meaning and aren’t any way of manipulation. And sometimes I want to hold you and touch you, Penelope, and I do. But if you can’t handle those ways, and if you don’t want them, then I’ll stop.” She took a deep breath and her shoulders loosened. Almost as if… she’d been holding it in.  
Penelope smiled faintly. “Maybe… some day?”  
"Maybe," Agatha agreed.  
Penelope took her hand.


End file.
